It took me twenty-six years to admit to something I had tried in vain to suppress, twenty-six years of depression, twenty-six years of guilt and shame. Finally my eureka moment at the age of twenty-six, a very late bloomer was I.
My journey was one fraught with plenty of guilt and confusion, coming from a staunch Catholic home meant that homosexuality or same sex relations were taboo and against the teachings of the bible, so I kept my secret hidden in internal turmoil.
I knew that I was “different” from as early as five years old. My neighbour who was around my age always held my fascination, he was strong, playful and I considered him my best friend. However there was always a feeling inside of me that I just couldn’t explain, that whenever he was around I felt a warmth inside of my stomach.
Over the years I sought every article and or magazine that was filled with homosexual imagery and prose to find a meaning to my malady.
Girlfriends came fast and furious and I tried to absorb the moment with my female admirers, trying to connect both physically and emotionally with them but I was forever left felling frustrated and wanting .
Now my family wasn’t totally clueless when it came to the world of homosexual tendencies because I had a female cousin younger than I that came out to the family a few years earlier, her mother; my aunt, sought therapy to deal with her daughter’s rude revelation.
It so happened that my cousin knew of my lifestyle but kept it “hush-hush”, she also introduced me to a gay friend of hers seeking to be the proverbial matchmaker.
Roger and I started dating and my cousin was in matchmakers heaven. I became very much infatuated with Roger and our relationship grew, he was well spoken and intelligent ( I’m a sucker for an intelligent male).
We spent many Sunday evenings together at his residence in Tunapuna, his family knew of his lifestyle and had no problems with it, that was a shocker for me because I believed that could NEVER come out to my parents.
However one Sunday after my visit to Roger I decided to reveal to my mother my hidden malady because I was in love and thought that love would conquer all (what a rude awakening that was)…She was livid, I heard every scripture that was an abomination in the eyes of God, my empowerment sapped and I became broken. She also accused my cousin of introducing me to “slackness” and said that she would never allow her into her home anymore.
I told her that it wasn’t my cousin’s fault but she would hear none of it. That night I went to bed dejected.
The following day when I came home from work and stepped through the front door and into the living room I was accosted by my sisters holding a bible and bombarded with “Hail Mary’s and Our Father’s” spewing from their lips, I was drenched in torrents of holy water by my mother from a bottle and being held down with the words “Satan get out” being spat at me.
The anger welled up inside of me and I broke away from their clasps and headed to my room where I stayed until the following day. A couple days later my mother presented her self to me and was very sorry and contrite, she said that she loved me no matter what and that she will try and “deal” with the situation.
Over the years I have told both close family and friends of my “gayness”…Freedom came at an emotional cost but my shoulders are no longer burdened, I am very comfortable in my skin. I don’t wear a neon sign on my forehead announcing to the world that I’m gay but I’m not ashamed anymore. The ones that matter know of my story and they love me unconditionally and that’s all that I ever wanted.
The 'Coming Out' Stories 